Because it was never my choice !!

The world and it’s irony, it surprises me!! So, Deepika Padukone was part of this video, which spoke about choices, and they said, how does it have anything to do with empowerment. Okay, let me define “they” here – my parents, my neighbors, my relatives, the aunty who lives across the street, the security guard of my society, the maid who comes to my house, the driver of the guy who lives next door, so on and so forth. But, what no one noticed is, the video is a state which every woman dreams of, to have the choice or freedom to decide what she wants in life.

I am a woman, and trust me; there have been millions of situations where I wish I was a man, and every time I think so, I am enraged at “them”, for making me feel so. I am 24, an MBA from a reputed college in India, earning 50k per month. But even today, my dad questions me for working late in office, he questions me for talking on the phone at night, he questions me if I have dinner with someone simply because I was hungry, he questions me if someone drops me home even if it means waiting another 45 minutes for the office cab, and all this because I am a woman, a girl  -  and no, I am not assuming this, when I asked him if his dad ever did all this when he worked for late hours in office, this was his response, I am not a woman, it’s okay for me to do all of that, but not for you, because you are of marriageable age, and no guy would want a girl who does all these things. Yes, this was the reason, that I did not have a choice, because being chosen by a guy for marriage, was always his privilege, and never a girl’s choice. My dad said that he gave me all the freedom till college, that he never questioned what I wore, with whom I went, where I went, but now, u need to get married, and hence u need to be controlled !! And there, it struck me, that what I thought were normal human rights, were actually an extra bonus for me, I can't have them in normal circumstances, I was just lucky, because I am a woman, and we don't have a choice !!

I was in love, and maybe I still am, with a guy who my parents will never accept, and neither will “they”, and so I have to give up on that, because “they” will outcaste me if I do, and so I let it go. I wanted to start my own business, but “they” said, I don’t have the right to dream, what if the guy doesn’t like it, what about your family, oh yes, I forget, the family is always the girl’s responsibility, the guy only gets in the bucks. And the funny part is, if I was a guy, my parents and even “them” would have easily accepted all of this, but just because I am a girl, I don’t have the choice to fall in love, to have dreams of my own.

“They” say, you are a fool, the guy will just use you, and throw you, but what if I have enjoyed the time too, OH MY GOD, how can I even say this, a girl never has a choice to enjoy, and if she does, she is labelled as a slut or a whore. I don’t have the choice to even decide my best friend, because if a guy is my best friend, then “they” will never accept it, because girls can’t have guys as friends, and never best friend!!

So now, for all those people, who asked, how is the video, got anything to do with empowerment, yes, I agree it has got nothing to do with empowerment, because the word “my choice”, was never even available for women,  it was always “their” choice, and will always be!!

Broken and Beautiful

It takes courage, not to fall, but to pick yourself and walk again! It takes courage to love each of your bits and pieces, to lift each piece of yours with patience, adore its beauty, put it all up together and move ahead.

How can broken be beautiful, U wonder?

Broken hearts are the most beautiful ones, just like how the smile on a scarred face is, because it comes with a story, a story of love and pain, and most of all, of courage, the courage to have loved, in spite of being hurt!

We are all broken, in some way or the other, but what makes the difference is how many pieces you let go each time you get up, because it is easy to let go of yourself, but difficult to love yourself, in spite of the cracks and the scars. Because, what we do not realize, is that it is the scars, which make us unique and beautiful.

I am sure we have all looked at a child and wished if we could go back to the innocence and naivety we had back then! But no, what we fail to see is that it is the pain that make us value the goodness even more!! There are thousands who will tell you that the world is of no good, hundreds will narrate stories of hatred and despair, stories which show no traces of love or kindness ! But no, do not let a few bad examples drive you! We were born to a world which raised both Hitler and Gandhi; it is us who decide which path to take! If there’s still a single arm in the world, which extends to help someone, it is proof of goodness and love! If there is a single soul who loves you, whoever that be, a mother, a father, a spouse, a sister, a daughter, a child, a friend; you know that love exists and how it feels to be loved! The power of love is still the same, be it a parent a spouse, or your best friend, do not let go of it, only because one person did not fulfil it, or maybe a few people in the world, seem to be losing it !

Look at each star in the sky, it looks so beautiful and amazing, but we all know that it is burning and the moment it stops, it will stop being beautiful! Look at a waterfall, it’s a scar on the face of the earth, but have you ever been lost, mesmerized in its beauty. Have you looked at hills and mountains, or oceans lakes, and adored the beauty of nature? Exactly, start looking at your own life in the same light, just like how dull the earth would be, if it was just a plain surface, that’s how your life would be without those scars that you have had!

So embrace each part of you, adore yourself, and be lost in your own beauty! There’s no greater joy, than feeling content and complete in your own self!

A baby girl born, a bride-to-be born !!

And the first child of the family was born, and she was a daughter, and right there ppl saw a future bride.

The girl turned out to be bright in studies, and they saw her matrimonial profile upgrading. She did well in life , got a job and they decided it was time for her to get married.

They told her too cook, clean and learn the chores of the house, and she said she din like it, and they told her you won't be a good wife. She had dreams and aspirations, and they said you can do everything as per your husband.

She wore shorts and skirts and her parents got worried that she will never get a guy, because good girls don't wear such clothes. While boys of her age could wear low waist jeans, showing off their undergarments, she wasn't allowed to wear sleeveless, because "good girls" don't wear them.

She fell in love, and even her guy joked, learn cooking and my mum will be impressed, and she started to ponder what had the guy done extra in his life that he did not have to cook, or do chores he did not enjoy.

While guys got drunk, and it gave them the status of becoming "men", even a single peg down her throat attracted judgments.

She wondered when were ppl going to look at her and think about her and not her future husband and what kind of a wife she is going to be. When would someone actually be bothered about what exactly does she want from her life, and what does she enjoy.

Now she had a good job, and seemed like she could brag a good guy on the website, and then ppl started bothering her parents with the amount of dowry that they would be giving for her, and she felt like an object.

What had the guy done to earn that dowry,to earn the right to live the way he wanted to, to earn the right for that extra drink, to earn the right of a bed tea , to earn the right to come home from office and rest, while the girl worked hard making a meal for the family?!

Had her parents not spent the same for bringing her up, for her education ?!? Had she not worked equally hard for those degrees and for the job ?!!

Then what is it about us that does not give us the right to live , dress , and dream freely ?!! When will a baby girl be looked at like another child to the world, and not another bride-to-be ?!!

A Conversation with God !!

This was a moment in Church. I was just telling God, about how much I loved this guy, and how much I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, when suddenly I heard a voice, “Okay, suppose I get you both married, then what, what is next, do you plan to convert, do you plan to give up yourself, your beliefs, everything for the sake of him? “

I knew I loved him a lot, but would I give up my religion for him, no, I don’t think I would do it, no, I would not. Then, I told God, “If my love is true, he would accept me, in completeness, without wanting me to change anything, and that includes my religion.”

Then God said,” Hmmm, not bad, okay, fine, the two of you get married, and then you have kids, now what? Would you go to church every Sunday on your own? Would you not want your kids to have the same beliefs as you have? Would you not desire a Christian family life? “

I was clear on that, and so I said, “No, its okay!! I don’t mind going to church alone. My kids can be Hindus.”

God: “Are you sure?”

And then suddenly, I was reminded of my family, how the four of us went to Church every Sunday, and how it added to our family bonding, how we sat for family prayers, how mom taught me to draw the cross on my forehead, the Christmas and Easter celebrations, the Maundy Thursday get togethers.

And now I knew I wasn't sure. Was I ready to give up all of this? Would I be fine with it? Would I reach a stage, where I would regret my decision? Won’t I want my kids to have the same childhood and family life as I did? And I was lost, what am I to do now? I don’t know....

And suddenly I heard God’s voice again, “Are you sure, that you would not mind your kids being Hindus?”

I said, “No, I don’t know!! I ain't sure!!”

Then God asked me, “Now what, so what do you do now, give him up? “

And those very words out of God’ s mouth filled my eyes with tears, and all the beautiful moments I had spent with him flashed in my memory. I loved him, and I have never had a more perfect relationship, no one has ever cared for me more, or loved me better. He was the best thing that happened to me, no, I can’t give him up.

 I cried, I did not know what to do, but those tears just made me realize how much I loved him, and I knew come what may, I would never give him up, even if it means giving up my own life, I would be ready to take that pain for him. I loved, unconditionally, and he is all that I wanted.

And then, I closed my eyes and told god, “I love him God, I know you l handle the rest, because it is you who taught me love!! "

Life

The world sometimes seems very mysterious , you just fail to understand what it means to convey; every part of life throws questions at us, and we keep searching, and the most funny part is - no one has the answers, and you just grow up to realize that we are all meant to live with these questions, and not be unhappy about them !!Sometimes, in fact, you can't help it that your entire life revolves around these questions, and it just pisses you more, because however hard you try, you will never be able to reach to the answers, it is just a mystery, and you are born to accept them.

" WHY ? "A question which is most prominent!! Anything that happens in our life, we cannot help ask this question, but is there a point in even thinking over it??!! God alone knows, and yes, that is the only answer we have to all our questions.

DEATH invokes realism, or may be just throws light on the unreal-ism of life, the closer you have faced it, the more you realize that nothing actually matters. All that you see, all those you meet , everything around you, may just disappear one fine day, and you can do nothing about it, you have no influence over it, and life shows you that you don't own it, but life owns you, and you have no control on it.

All these words were never understood by me, but an incident changed it all. Pa almost died, doctors and nurses gave in, the will was written, almost all formalities done, they were waiting for my dad to die, and I just knew that I could not allow it, but I also knew that I could not help it.

There was no chance of my dad coming back to life, so was the doctors' verdict. He could not even breathe without a ventilator, he could not speak. The entire family was undergoing a turmoil, the words " Everything will be fine ", seemed to be real no more.

A ray of hope, Pa had to breathe by himself, then he could be taken to Bangalore, where he could be operated by the only doctor in India capable of curing him - 33% chances of survival, but yes, that is all that the doctors' could promise. But all this seemed impossible, Pa could not breathe , he could not travel, his health was too bad to be taking the risk . The only solution was to wait, the doctors' called it  " wait to die ", we called it a " wait to breathe".

In such circumstances, nothing seems to bother, the winter, the rains, the exams, nothing, and you have no idea how to deal with it. You find yourself getting up in the middle of the night and screaming. Fear captures you, chokes you in fact. You have tears pouring out every time you are alone.

You have no words , for anyone. I had no clue what I had to tell my mom. Every time Pa heard my voice he had tears in his eyes, and the words he managed to speak were , " Take care of Mom, study well ;You are my elder daughter, I know you will be strong, I know you will make me proud, and trust me, I will be fine, and you will be fine too . "

I did not know how to react to those words. I wanted to shatter right there, but I knew it would only break him down. So I held myself and just managed that situation without letting out anything. I just told him, " God loves me a little too much, so, don't worry Pa, nothing can happen to you. God will dare not take you away from me . "

Pa smiled, with tears in his eyes, and I was just reminded of how much that smile meant to me. I just knew that I could give up my life for that smile. It is all that mattered to me. All the memories of the past flashed right in front of me.

My dad was an awesome person. He loved his wife. He loved his daughters.He was proud of his family. He lived for them.He would stay awake all night beside his daughter when she had fever. He would flirt with wife even in his 40s. He would throw a party for the entire neighborhood only because his daughter had come home for holidays. He taught her how to love.He taught her to take risks. He taught  her values. He taught her friendships. He taught her life. He taught her everything. He was the very reason of my life , of the way I am, of my happiness !!!

Yes !! This was my great Dad, and there he lay, not even able to breathe, and I could do nothing about it !!